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“Hey. Sit here with me for a minute,” said Kate. She sat back down on her rock and scooched to one side, making space for Maddy. “I want to tell you something.”
Maddy took a seat and waited. Kate hesitated. Where to start? What did Maddy know? What could she understand?
“I know your name. Your real name. Madeline. Madeline Green.” Kate said this with a smile, holding Maddy’s gaze, showing her how happy she was to know and how beautiful she thought the name.
Maddy’s eyes grew wide and she shook her head adamantly.
Kate’s thoughts jumbled in surprise. No? Not Madeline? Had they made a mistake? For a moment she entertained the possibility that Sheila wasn’t her mother, that her mother might not be dead. Kate took up Maddy’s hand, rubbed her thumb over her painted fingernails. No. She’d been recognized. A chatterbox. This was Madeline Green.
“Right. Sorry. Maddy. Tom said you go by Maddy.”
Kate still had a smile pasted on her face as she watched Maddy’s eyes grow wider still, then burst into tears.
“Hey, hey, sweetie, it’s okay, sh, sh, it’s alright.” Kate pulled the child into her lap, squeezing her tightly, wiping her tears. She didn’t understand. She’d expected tears, but not over this. The hard part was still to come.
Maddy kept sobbing loud and messy and inconsolable.
“It’s a beautiful name,” said Kate. Then, “I can keep calling you She-Ra.” And then, “You’re still the Princess of Power, no matter your name.” Kate saw these were hollow comforts; they had nothing to do with why Maddy was so upset. Why was she so upset?
At a loss, Kate did the only thing she knew to do. She started to sing. “Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine. You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorrows, Clementine.” Over and over, she sang the words. Dreadful sorrows. Dreadful sorrows. She listed them mentally, the ones she knew: abduction and abandonment, her mother’s death, and the ones she imagined: neglect, abuse, witness to whatever Mom had done or endured to feed her addiction. All those dreadful sorrows that had silenced a chatterbox, so that even her name had become a secret.
A secret. All this time she’d been thinking Maddy was unable to talk, her trauma too fresh and severe. She hadn’t considered that Maddy was unwilling to talk, that she was intentionally keeping a secret. She hadn’t told them her real name. They’d figured it out. That’s why she was so upset. Kate stopped singing.
By then, Maddy’s sobs had turned to whimpers. Her eyes were red and swollen, her face hot, wet and sticky. Kate used the hem of Maddy’s shirt to dry her cheeks and wipe the snot from her nose.
“My leg fell asleep,” said Kate. “I need to change position.” Maddy stood and Kate maneuvered herself back to the middle of the rock. She straddled her legs so that Maddy could sit in front of her and lean back. Together they looked out across the water and Kate combed her fingers through Maddy’s hair.
“We figured out your name because we found your Mom,” said Kate. Tangles loosened, she separated Maddy’s hair into three plaits and started to braid.
“Did she wake up?” said Maddy. Kate’s fingers faltered, overcome as much by the question as the fact that Maddy had spoken. She shook out the braid and started over.
“No, she didn’t wake up.” Kate waited. “Maddy, do you understand? Your Mom died.”
“All the way?”
The question took her breath away. Maddy was either too innocent to know death was absolute or experienced enough to know the difference between death and a death-like stupor. Kate noticed her fingers, frozen in Maddy’s hair, and forced them to resume the plait.
“Yes. She died all the way. She won’t, she can’t… Maddy, she can’t wake up ever again.”
Kate expected Maddy to break apart at the news and held her so tightly that Maddy began to squirm. She loosened her hold but kept her wrapped in an embrace. Maddy didn’t cry or shake, not like she did at first when Kate said her name. Maybe she was all cried out? Maybe she was in shock? Kate waited.
“He said she wouldn’t,” said Maddy.
“He?”
Maddy touched her lips with her finger, then traced a line in the air.
“The whistler,” said Kate. “The bad man. He was there when your Mom, when she wouldn’t wake up.”
“Eric,” said Maddy.
His name! Maddy said his name. And so much more. Just a few words but so much revealed. Eric was there with Maddy and Sheila. Sheila died and Maddy found out. He abducted Maddy. Why? Because he’d killed her mother. Why else? Kate looked over her shoulder as if to share the news, but of course Nick and Tom were gone, Anne and Evelyn in the house, not a detective in sight. The sat phone. She’d left it on the porch. Before Kate could make a move, Maddy spoke again.
“I’m too loud.”
Kate barked a single laugh at the irony. “No. Never. Did he tell you that?”
Maddy shrugged.
Kate took that as a yes; he’d taped over her mouth for God’s sake. Kate felt the flush of outrage. How dare he silence Maddy. “He was wrong. He had no right to say that. Do you hear me? You can be as loud as you want. Whenever you want. Especially if a man tries to shut you up. Do you hear me? The louder the better.”
Maddy remained silent. She’d pulled her knees to her chest to make herself smaller.
Kate breathed in deeply. What was she doing? Proselytizing? Maddy was just starting to speak. She should be listening. She gave Maddy’s shoulders a squeeze and kissed the back of her head.
“Hey, sorry. I just mean to say I’m really glad you are talking. You can say or ask anything and be as loud or quiet as you want.”
For a minute or more they sat in silence, feeling the sun on their faces, the breeze cool off the water, and smelling the brine and seaweed exposed by the receding tide.
“Will I wake up?”
Wake up? She wanted to answer the question, god she wanted to answer, but… what? Kate watched the glint of sunlight off the chop in the channel as if the pattern could make sense of the words. She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“He said.”
Oh God, he threatened her. “He said you wouldn’t wake up. But you did. With me. In the woods. You’re awake with me right now.”
Maddy shrugged.
The shrug told Kate she was missing the point; somehow, to Maddy, being awake now was irrelevant to whether she’d wake up again.
Kate leaned to the side and shifted Maddy so that she could look her in the face. “Maddy, I don’t understand. What exactly did Eric say.”
Maddy held her gaze. “He said if anybody found out then I wouldn’t wake up either.”
“Oh Maddy,” said Kate, stroking her cheek. She felt her tears welling and sat back upright, leaning Maddy back gently against her. She gazed over Maddy’s head and studied the channel and opposite shore. “He lied to you. You’re going to wake up, you’re going to keep waking up every day. I promise.”
“Mommy said so too.”
Once again Kate felt her grasp of the situation slip. “What? What did she say?”
“She said I’d wake up and be safe.”
“She knew?” blurted Kate. It made no sense. How could Sheila know Maddy would wake up and be safe? She was already dead. “Maddy, how did she know?”
“How do you know?” asked Maddy.
“Me? Well, I know because you’re right here with me. Safe. And when your safe and go to sleep you wake up.”
“Mommy didn’t.”
“She wasn’t safe. And she died.”
“I’m not safe.”
“No Maddy. That’s not true. Eric just said that to scare you.”
“Mommy said it too. I’m not safe. I’m loud.”
Wait, what? Kate’s thoughts scrambled, trying to keep up. “When?” she asked.
“When he comes.”
“When he comes,” repeated Kate. Maddy meant every time he comes. Oh my God, Evelyn was right. Sheila kept Maddy quiet. She drugged her. To protect her daughter from Eric. And to protect her fix.
“Your Mom, she gave you a pill to swallow when Eric came? You’d be quiet and fall asleep?”
“Not the first time. He got mad.”
“What about the last time?”
Maddy remained silent.
“He got mad?”
“Mommy didn’t wake up. I was loud.”
Kate sat with that revelation, playing it out in her mind. There would have been a routine to Eric’s visits: his call, the pill, a kiss from mom as she tucked her in, and promises for tomorrow. Maddy would have gone to bed loved and protected, at least the best way Sheila knew how. Only this time, Maddy woke up and Mom didn’t. There would have been a terrible silence just before the explosion of promises broken.
“Maddy, do you know why your Mom didn’t wake up?”
“Because of me.”
“No. No, no, sweet girl. Not because of you. Because of a drug. She had too much of a very dangerous drug.”
“Because of me.”
“No.”
“He said she took too much drug because of me.”
“No. No, no, no.” Kate crooned the words, rocking back and forth, Maddy held tight against her.
“I’m loud.”
“No,” said Kate, her voice rising.
“Mom said, I’m too loud.”
It was too much, too deep and dark and raw and cruel. Kate’s hands rose to her ears, then slammed down, palms flat against the rock. Maddy jerked and Kate snapped back to the here and now. Her first thought was that for all the force behind the slap, the sound had been disappointingly dull. A moment later came the pain, a stinging numbness that burned through the rest of her fury.
Kate steadied her breathing. Her hands rested limp on her knees, palms up, red and throbbing. Maddy wiggled around sideways so she could look at Kate’s face. Kate didn’t know what she saw, perhaps that the storm had passed, because she turned back around and settled into place, leaning against her. For a few minutes, neither spoke.
“Maddy. That man, Eric, he said terrible things. What happened to your mom was not your fault. You are safe. You will wake up. And you are not too loud.”
“Mom said…”
“Maddy,” interrupted Kate, then inhaled deeply. “Maddy, could you ever be loud? Like when Eric wasn’t around? Maybe when it was just you and your Mom?”
Maddy nodded, then pulled herself into a ball. “Sometimes.” She whispered the word like a confession.
“Right. Sometimes. It’s confusing, isn’t it. Sometimes it’s okay to be loud and sometimes it isn’t. Your Mom.” Kate faltered. Her Mom was an addict. She’d made a calculation based on a premise fundamentally flawed. She couldn’t protect Maddy, not from Eric, not from herself.
“What I mean is, Eric. He’s dangerous. When your Mom made you quiet, it was to keep you safe FROM Eric. Do you understand, Maddy? The problem wasn’t that you’re loud. The problem was that Eric is a bad man.”
Maddy, her arms still tight around her legs, started crying again. “Oh sweetie. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry she died. I’m sorry she couldn’t protect you. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault.” Kate pulled the whole bundle of her in close and held her while she quietly wept.
After a time, Kate heard someone clear her throat. Kate shifted, Maddy stood up, and the two rearranged themselves so that they once again sat side by side rather than front to back on their rock.
“We brought tissues,” said Anne, holding up the box.
“And news,” said Evelyn. “Coast Guard’s been busy, and investigators have been swarming the docks, interviewing fisherman as they come in. They’ve picked up that guy called Whistling Dick. He and a few other whistling fishermen are being questioned now.”
“Oh, thank God,” said Kate, then stiffened. “Wait. Here?”
“No, no. Rockland. For now, anyway. They’re probably still sorting out jurisdiction.”
Relieved, Kate reached for the tissues, handed some to Maddy, and started wiping tears and blowing noses. Whistling fishermen, thought Kate. She could just imagine the line-up, bizarrely comical if not for Maddy, for whom it could only be upsetting. Surely, they wouldn’t make her. She’d said his name. Eric. She needed to tell them.
“The Ranger passed on the news,” said Anne. “He also asked us to bring you down to the landing. He sounded, well, he’s called twice already.”
“Right. Yeah. Okay. Um.” Kate’s brain was speeding ahead. She still had to tell Maddy about CPS. Not yet but soon. At the landing. She knew in her gut she’d never get Maddy there if she didn’t want to go. Which she wouldn’t. Of course, she wouldn’t want to be taken away. Kate had to get her there first, tell her and then, somehow, make it alright.
“Yeah. Right. So. Hey! You don’t know. This is Maddy,” said Kate, presenting her like a prize fish. “Her real name’s Maddy. And, guess what? Whistling Dick’s real name is Eric. Or, I mean, the bad guy’s real name is Eric, so that could help, you know, prove things one way or the other. I should really tell Tom about that and some other stuff Maddy said. You know, to help with the investigation.” Kate, wide eyed, kept nodding at Anne and Evelyn as if she needed to convince them to play along.
Evelyn was the first to recover from this bizarre display. “Well then, I guess we better get you two up to the truck.” It took a few minutes to gather up crutches and used tissues, negotiate the rocky beach and narrow path and sort out which vehicle to take and who would ride with whom. In the end it was decided Anne and Evelyn would both drive and Kate and Maddy would ride in the back of Anne’s car. Throughout, Maddy didn’t say a word.